Thursday, April 9, 2009

In the Year 2059

On Facebook, a friend posted a status update about listening to a "MindPod" (the music in one's head), and it got me thinking about a few of my favorite speculative topics: Futurism, transhumanism (posthumanism), time travel, corporate monopolies, timeless human nature, and cool electronic gadgets. I commented on my friend's status update a couple of times. First:

I have the brand new mindPod ESP from Goopplezon. Too bad it's only 750 yottabytes. Wait, this isn't 2059. Forget I said anything. :-)
Then:
LOL thanks. BTW, 2058's mindPods are on clearance at goopplezon.porn!
I'm no John Titor, but I'll rant about the future of corporate monopolies, the Internet, and electronic gagdets tonight. Yes, my idea for the merged conglomerate Goopplezon (Google-Apple-Amazon.com) is derived from EPIC 2014's fictional Googlezon corporation. Since the facetious Facebook interaction mentioned earlier involved the "mindPod" product (iPods installed in one's brain), Apple had to be involved.

Now, since Apple is part of this triple merger, you might ask, what happened to Microsoft? Well, in this facetious layout of the future, Microsoft's Windows family of operating systems met stiff competition from Google's ever-evolving Linux derivative Android. The Android platform eventually became synonymous with PCs, redubbed gCs. "gC or Mac?" became the new false consumer computer dichotomy.

However, this was actually a calculated sequence of events by both Google and Apple (Google CEO Eric Schmidt being on both boards) to defeat Microsoft once and for all. Before the Feds could clamp on this conspiracy, Google and Apple merged to form Goopple, powerful enough to repel anti-trust lawsuits. The iPod and iMac were then renamed to the gPod and gMac, respectively. Android, the once bright hope for the open-source revolution, betrayed Wikipedia, Creative Commons, LibriVox, Project Gutenberg, Joomla, Linux, etc., and ushered in a renewed era of proprietary technology: All hail Android X Laser Cats (the latest version) on the gC!

This isn't too bad for Microsoft because this defeat prompted philanthropist Bill Gates to return and take control from Steve Ballmer. Instead of trying to regain the company's place in the computer industry, Gates used Microsoft to help oppressed people in developing nations. How? BSoD technology was used to repel exploitative forces and warlords from these countries. The same base code for pesky Windows viruses was used to exponentially duplicate food for the hungry. (Don't ask how.)

Eventually, Amazon.com - after decimating brick and mortar stores with Super Saver Shipping and eliminating public libraries with Kindle - merged with Goopple to form Goopplezon. No antitrust laws were broken because Goopplezon essentially became the government. While our current (2009) recession eventually recovered to some prosperity, the next economic cycle with Goopplezon's government gave us a superdepression - so bad that the only real means to make money and keep Western Civilization alive was through pornography and, ironically, prostitution - the world's oldest profession. Hence, Goopplezon's URL became goopplezon.porn. Amazon.com's warehouses doubled as Goopplezon whorehouses. It was common to soak all your deliveries in antibacterial cleanser...just to be safe.

Oh yeah, and iPods that became gPods became smaller and smaller. Then they became mindPods with no more buttons, so that a unit had to be installed in one's brain to work. Within a few decades, storage capacities grew exponentially from mere gigabytes to yottabytes (you'll have to Google/Wiki the magnatude of which I write). The entertainment value of these mindPods started as personal and expanded into the realm of extrasensory perception - with all sorts of killer apps!

A live album downloaded into the mindPod ESP could become a virtual concert experience that you can share with your friends (who also have mindPod ESPs and multiyear contracts to work at a Goopplezon whorehouse). With the mindPod (all versions), dreams come with pop-up windows! The possibilities are only limited by processing speed, hard drive space, and the digital rights managment installed directly into your brain.

Anyhow, for better or for worse, whether a safe anticipation or crazy predictions, a lot of the above could happen in the future. It's up to you and you and you to attempt to steer the present-day into a favorable future. It's up to the Universe to verify or deny your attempt(s). Good luck!

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