Friday, January 16, 2009

Batman vs. Iron Man

I finally caught up with blockbuster movies involving wealthy, non-mutant superheroes. The billion dollar question (pun obvious) is who would win in a fight: Batman or Iron Man? I'm not much of a comic book reader, and I think I Wiki'd both characters a while ago, but I'll go with the recent movies for reference.

My thesis: Batman wins. (My brother disagrees.)

In one corner, we have Batman, who apparently has a martyr-messiah complex. He'll save the city, but he's a willing scapegoat at the end of The Dark Knight. He is willing to be persecuted for Gotham City's sins, so to speak. He's all brooding and dark and intense, and Bruce Wayne's playboy image is a facade. Cool.

In the other, we have Tony Stark, who apparently had a Siddhartha-like upbringing (shielded from the evils of his corporation) until he had a Buddha-like epiphany while captured in Afghanistan and became Iron Man in the process. Also cool, but Iron Man and Tony Stark are the same guy. (In this particular movie, Robert Downey, Jr., isn't the dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude.) I think Wikipedia or some other source said that Stark also has an alcohol problem. Hmm...the guy who keeps drinking Scotch (which I wholeheartedly empathize) or the guy who watched his parents get shot as a child? I think Batman wins in the intensity comparison.

Business-wise, neither Wayne nor Stark is fit to run their respective family business. Wayne was too busy training to be Batman, while Stark was too busy being a technology prodigy to care about big money decisions. Wayne has Morgan Freeman as his corporation's CEO and Stark has The Dude (albeit bald) as CEO. The Bald Dude turned out to be a bad guy who betrayed Stark, but Morgan Freeman saved Batman's ass in both Nolan films. (Yes, Wayne Enterprises had Blind Fury as the CEO in the first film, but he didn't betray like The Bald Dude and was more of a douche.) With Morgan Freeman as CEO, Wayne Enterprises would totally buy out all of Stark Industries' assets and leave Shellhead's corporation as an empty shell. Batman wins.

Assistant-wise, Batman totally gets stuff done because Alfred is his butler. Iron Man has Gwyneth Paltrow as his personal secretary. I wouldn't get stuff done if Gwyneth were my personal secretary. Batman wins again. Iron Man also has an Ask Jeeves-like operating system as his virtual butler, but we'll get to that later.

Hand-to-hand, with no external toys, Batman the ninja beats Iron Man, even though Iron Man has a super-charged pacemaker implant. Iron Man probably has endurance because of his pacemaker, but that just means Batman will have to pummel Stark longer. Batman wins again.

Toys-versus-toys, it seems that Iron Man would win easily by nuking everything and hoping Batman is part of the mess. Remember that Iron Man (in the movie at least) relied on the Ask Jeeves OS to do complicated stuff. Remember also that Morgan Freeman was able to synthesize an antidote for Scarecrow's poison, and Morgan Freeman invented the cellphone SONAR technology in the sequel. So, Morgan Freeman could create a computer virus to get rid of Jeeves. And then Batman could beat Tony Stark to a pulp soon after. Batman wins.

The moral of the story is that the real superhero is Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, speaking of The Dark Knight, I find it amusing that we have Batman, an actor who played Dracula (Gary Oldman), and the actor who played Bat Manuel in The Tick (Nestor Carbonell) in one film.

That's a lot of bats.

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  1. That's a lot of bats.


    I have Dark Knight on my Zune, but I haven't seen it yet. Heard it's really good.

  2. Cool. Other than revealing that Morgan Freeman is all kinds of awesome, hopefully I didn't reveal any spoilers for you. I may have, though, my bad.


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