Sunday, September 7, 2008

Rudy Giuliani: Strange Case of Dr. Mayor and Mr. Douche

Obviously, the RNC made straw men of the Obama/Biden ticket for their big shindig, in much the same manner as the DNC against McCain (who didn't have a running mate then). In a sense, that's fine - riling up their base efficiently, using smears, glossing, spin, and other propaganda techniques. It's politics, fine. Head on over to FactCheck.org to debunk some of the inconsistencies, if you dare learn something new.

With that said, Rudy Giuliani still came off as a douche. He essentially made light of people who get kids off drugs, find jobs for the unemployed, and other, obviously trite non-mayoral stuff that communities organizers do. He made fun of the American dream and those who come from non-privileged birth, who work hard, study hard, and make history. He even made fun of big cities for being "cosmopolitan." Wasn't Giuliani the mayor of New York City, the most cosmopolitan of them all?

Stephen Colbert finds Giuliani's community service and American dream jokes funny:



Jon Stewart would've wanted Giuliani to say "cosmopolitan" with a stronger "homosexual lisp":


Now, I've been trying to make an effort to not just criticize and leave it at that. No, whenever I unleash a criticism, I'll try to suggest a solution. It's only fair, right? So here's my solution to the Giuliani douche quandary:

In the days and weeks following 9/11, Rudy Giuliani took admirable action in that emergency and became "America's Mayor." If you don't remember his actions, and the seventh anniversary of the attacks is this Thursday, please read up on it. However, when the urgency subsided back into the mundane, Giuliani reverted into a partisan douche. That didn't bode well because we liked America's Mayor, right?

Anyway, Giuliani needs to be an Emergency Mayor-for-Hire, one named Dr. Mayor. It's kind of like a superhero, but not really. Let's say a tornado hits a Great Plains small town. Their mayor's panicking. What do we do? Let's air drop Dr. Mayor to take charge of the situation. Once the emergency is over, and Dr. Mayor turns into Mr. Douche (acting like the archetypal obnoxious relative at Thanksgiving), we whisk him off to the next emergency.

Dr. Mayor need not be exclusive to the U.S.: Terrorist attack in Abu Dhabi? Call Dr. Mayor! Massive earthquake in Tokyo? Call Dr. Mayor! Chaotic aftermath of a blood diamond warlord raid in Luanda? Dr. Mayor's your man!

When he's done, you'll know he's done, because that's when Mr. Douche rears his ugly head. When that happens, courteously thank him for what he's done as Dr. Mayor, and get Mr. Douche the hell away from your city!

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