Friday, September 5, 2008

John McCain Wanted to, But Couldn't, Throw Bush Under the Straight Talk Express

Much in the same way that John McCain wanted to, but couldn't, nominate BFF Joe Lieberman for Vice Presidency - Candidate McCain couldn't quite condemn his party for the past 7 1/2 years of spotty executive leadership. He had some tough words for his party, and I definitely give him credit for telling it like it is, but he needed to be more pissed off. He needed to say something like this:

"The brightest moments of the Bush Administration happened in the final quarter of 2001, those few months after the horrendous attacks against America on September 11th. He made the right call to go after al-Qaeda in Afghanistan. Yadda, yadda, yadda...didn't finish the job. Yadda, yadda, yadda...started a second war in Iraq. Yadda, yadda, yadda...thankfully the surge 'worked.' Yadda, yadda, yadda...a new Republican Party, which is actually the old one, before Dubya & Co. ruined it. Yadda, yadda, yadda...I'm throwing Bush and Cheney under the Straight Talk Express!"

Yes, yes, he hinted at it. He praised Reagan, while omitting the Bush dynasty. You heard the insinuations and "code" against Bush and the Republicans in Washington, but if he were overt at his criticism (but not as harsh as my yaddas), it might have been strong enough to turn me into an indecisive swing voter! It would have seemed that McCain 2000 suddenly quantum leaped into McCain 2008 to save the future.

Alas, it was still McCain 2008 being careful not to alienate the "Drill, baby, drill!" Bushies. He's country first, while many in his audience are portfolio first (and dishonest about it!). Hence, Palin as running mate. And double hence, the sycophancy of Romney and Giuliani.

Anyway, Biden, Obama, Palin, and McCain all made great speeches. Unfortunately, all that amounts to hype. So let's wait for the debates and be sure to read the issues from the source: and Sure, there's a lot of rhetoric and spin on those sites, but it's probably a better choice to read the candidates' statements from their sites than spin from bloggers, Internet trolls, and journalists.

For the hell of it, let's build a time machine. Let's go back to 1999 and quantum leap into Karl Rove's body. Our mission is to go on vacation, and so Karl Rove goes on vacation. We visit a lot of nice cities in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America while in Rove's possessed body. Without Rove's campaign tactics, McCain gets the GOP nomination in 2000, and history is changed. For the sake of argument, McCain wins the electoral vote and the popular vote against Al Gore. President McCain with VP X (for some reason, I can't think of a replacement for Lieberman, so run with me here) are inauguated in January of 2001.

Let's concede and presume that 9/11 was mostly about Clinton dropping the Osama bin Laden ball in the 90s and not the Bush Administration skimming over CIA reports in 2001. September 11th happens no matter how much we try to prevent it by time travel. A pissed off John McCain and an even more pissed off America head off to war in Afghanistan against the Taliban. The only big protest is that Congress didn't declare war outright, but most Americans support this action.

The primary victory is quick, but troops stay there to help rebuild Afghanistan - also in case of the regrouping enemy in the mountain caves. There is some talk from the right wing of Congress about Saddam's asshattery and weapons of mass destruction, but that is discounted as tinfoil-hattery (and right wing asshattery). Besides, all our military resources are focused on securing the U.S. and tracking down bin Laden. It is all a moot point because a CIA operative assassinates Saddam Hussein around 2004, and his successor is also a Ba'ath party member, but less of a douche to the Iraqi people. Uday dies of a drug overdose, and Qusay gets some sort of venereal disease...or something like that. Anyway, secular Iraq keeps fundamentalist Iran in check, for the time being.

The Taliban and al-Qaeda regroup around 2003, and America's Afghan War is looking more and more like the U.S.S.R.'s Afghan War. There is an American troop surge, and the surge helps out the rightful Afghan army from the enemy. Even with the Ring of Power, Osama bin Laden is taken down by the last alliance of Americans and elves. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series in 2004, and the Boston Red Sox are still cursed. Barack Obama is governor of Illinois, and has lost to Senator Hillary Clinton in the 2008 Primary. Clinton was contemplating Obama for her ticket, but ultimately chooses Joe Biden against the VP X/Bobby Jindal ticket. For all the chaos generated from screwing with the space-time continuum, John Edwards has still ruined his political career by cheating on his wife.

How do I know this? I'm VP X, and this could have been your America. Your Senator John McCain isn't the same President McCain in my universe, the one who dueled to the death with bin Laden...with samurai swords! Let's all blame Scott Bakula for not doing his Quantum Leap mission. I shall weep for you mortals.

P.S. I wonder if Stephen Colbert will create a sequel to the John McCain Green Screen Challenge: The John McCain Blue Screen Challenge, anyone?

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