Sunday, September 7, 2008

Election by Straw Men, Trolls, and/or Real Americans?

The way things are going, neither the Obama/Biden nor the McCain/Palin ticket, nor the actual issues, will determine who will win in November. The election comes down to three major factors in America:

1. The Straw Men and the Iron Men. Yes, I have made it an important issue to rally against the straw men we've created (albeit while still creating some of my own...for humor and entertainment purposes, of course). After reading countless blogs and comments from across the political spectrum, I've identified a myriad straw men (and their idealistic iron men counterparts), all of whom currently play an important role in the political landscape. We have a straw man named B. Hussein Obama, the Secret Muslim Marxist Messiah who hates America. On the flip side, we have an iron man simply named Barack Obama, the bringer of hope and change with a presence so convincing that we don't have to read the specifics of his viewpoints. Iron man Obama is the embodiment of the American dream (which he is, admittedly, but more idealistically so). His straw man opponent is John McSame/McBush/McLame/WcCain, who embodies the Bush Administration's third term by virtue of being Republican, too. On the flipside, there's The Maverick John McCain, so badass and rebellious, he's really not a Republican (in the Bush sense). The Maverick will bring change in the Federal government similar to what Obama proposes, but in a more experienced way.

Accompanying the straw men are the plagiarist/no one need pay attention to Joe Biden and the Alaskan secessionist/pregnancy conspirator/anti-science Sarah Palin. These people are dangerous! Fortunately, these people are mere caricatures and don't exist in real life, other than in the hearts and minds of...

2. Partisan hacks, also known as political trolls, also known as straw men incarnate. These are the talking heads (and typing fingers) who are champions of double standards. A partisan hack usually considers himself/herself to be a rugged, independent-minded individual but is quick to lump all his/her opponents as one scary ideological collective. It's almost always their correct point of view versus: The elitist, liberal, communist media that hates America; the fascist, racist (neo-), corporate conservatives who hate America; all liberals smear Sarah Palin because they are scared of her; all conservatives believe the smears against Barack Obama because they are ignorant and uneducated; oxymoronically intolerant liberals; typically hypocritical Republicans; the Demon-crats; and the RepugniKKKans. Partisan hacks are ones who create the straw men (and the iron men).

Partisan hacks rarely realize when they are drinking their own medicine. They will not contemplate on the irony. They are not amused by the irony. They are actually either humorless or have mean-spirited sense of humor. They are quick to condemn the "liberal smear machine" while not paying attention to the "conservative smear machine" on their side (and vice versa). In other words, Sarah Palin can't be a pregnancy conspirator, but Barack Obama is still a secret Muslim. Or they're going to silently concede that the National Enquirer was right about the John Edwards affair, but they will loudly speculate that the National Enquirer is right about Palin's affair allegations, too.

Finally, partisan hacks know for a fact who will win the election before the election: Their ticket. McCain's choice of Palin is the end of Obama/Biden. No, McCain's choice of Palin is the end of McCain/Palin. Ad nauseam.

(A quick Sarah Palin note: It's surreal that 20 months of usual candidate scrutiny will be compressed into a few weeks when it comes to Gov. Palin's public "vetting.")

3. The Rest of Us, or Real Americans. It is true that the rest of us dabble in a bit of partisan hackery from time to time, but we're so much more than that. We enjoy humor, satire, and irony - in varying degrees. We will read up on the actual issues as time permits and catch a few (if not most or all) of the debates, but we will otherwise patiently wait for the first Tuesday in November. Sometimes we get caught up in the hype, but we're able to snap out of it (recovery time varies by person).

By that Inauguration Day in January, most of us will respect the decision of the Electoral College, and we'll closely watch the actions (and inactions) of the new President and V.P. We'll praise them when they do something good, and we'll criticize them when they do something bad. Sometimes good and bad are relative to our beliefs, but sometimes they transcend politics (albeit rarely). We are patriotic nonetheless. We'll voice our approval/disapproval in the midterm elections of 2010 and the following Presidential election of 2012. Who am I kidding? The rest of us don't quite have the unity, the clout, nor sheer numbers as the partisan hacks and their fabricated straw/iron men.

Unless we reproduce like Palins, we're not an important factor in this election.

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