Sunday, February 17, 2008

Democrats, Republicans, and Theocrats...Oh, My!

As many are waiting for the next batch of party primaries and caucuses, here's a summary of what's going on en route to the two nominations: The Democrats are still divided by the choice they have to make, and the Republicans are divided by the choice they've essentially made.

Here are a few quick Solomon-esque (if I may toot my own horn) solutions to help everybody:

1. If the regular delegates or the superdelegates can't decide months before the convention, and if the public is THAT impatient, put Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton into the teleportation chamber in The Fly. Then power up the machine!

2. For John McCain and the GOP, well we might have to literally do a Solomon thing, where we gather all the squabbling Republican factions (the neo-cons, the Bushies, the paleos, the fundies, and Ron Paul's friends if they're allowed to enter) in one place, threaten to split the presumptive nominee, and see which faction will protest against such harsh action. And then everyone will know how McCain fits into all of this.

3. As far as Mike Huckabee and his theocratic comment from last month are concerned:

I don't think even the wise King Solomon (whose father David was theocratically elected, ironically) has a solution for Huckabee.

(Just to warn you, the reader: I might create and destroy a perfectly good straw man by the time this rant is over, but please bear with me.)

God's standards: It's a noble aspiration to commit to a supernatural ethical code - as a personal choice. But to amend the Constitution to fit a specific idea of God's standards would require a prerequisite amendment to the First Amendment, wouldn't it? You know, the part where Congress can't make a law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...? That part. Yeah.

God's standards: Judeo-Christian roots are implied, no doubt, but will it be heavier on the Judeo- or the Christian? The Book of Leviticus or the Sermon on the Mount? Knowing the love of irony prevalent in modern Evangelicals, I hypothesize that this new theocratic Constitution would be heavy on Leviticus, with a side order of Paul (but not the parts of Paul that are Jesus-like).

However, if this new Huckabee Constitution were heavy on the Jesus (yeah, I wrote "The Jesus"), and all that meek inheriting the earth/turn the other cheek/love thy neighbor stuff were literally made into law, then the United States of America would become some sort of hippie socialist...utopia.

The fundies would hate that.

Chinese Jesus art (no Kung Fu jokes, please) is in the public domain. Pray that Chinese Jesus is closer to Lao Tzu than Sun Tzu.

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