Monday, January 7, 2008

Vote for Ralph Wiggum

I think I'll have to write in Ralph Wiggum for my state's primary. Ralph represents hope for America! Last night's episode of The Simpsons shows that Ralph is a...

Fundie?
No evidence. Ralph goes to church regularly, but he is not a religious extremist.

Jingo? Definitely not. Ralph favors diplomacy (using words) over preemptive military aggression (only going boom-boom in one's pants).

Pinko? No evidence. Ralph has found support from both major American parties, so he is neither a commie nor a fascist. As long as this newfound, albeit fictional, bipartisanship does not degenerate into a one-party America (and thus totalitarianism), Ralph is A-OK with me!

While the Constitution has been undermined by the PATRIOT Act to allow such a young person to run for the nation's highest office, Ralph's righteous, bipartisan virtue supersedes the traditional law of the land. Even the great George Washington rose to the presidency despite the Articles of Confederation - the original law of the United States of America.

And guess what? Ralph Wiggum aspires to be like President Washington. Read these words, and tremble (transcribed at IMDb):

Lisa: [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum: Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the Providence that sustains us?
Lisa: But couldn't we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum: NEVER!

Lisa: [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...
Ralph Wiggum: Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
[he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]


In conclusion:
1. Vote for Ralph Wiggum;
2. The PATRIOT Act is unconstitutional, as the Constitution is unconfederate, and the Articles of Confederation are the original McLovin;
3. Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Fair use for Ralph Wiggum:
* It is a promotional image released by Fox
* it allows for identification of the character: Ralph Wiggum


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