Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Huckabee Causality Controversy Continues...

...and this lowly blogger is milking the story as much as he can (part one | part 1.5 | part two | part three). Check out Conan O'Brien's rebuttal to the "Colbert Bump" with "Conan Made Huckabee":

As you can see, the feud has crossed the line into ethnic slurs. Anyway, Conan now has two relatively cogent arguments to prove his stake in the Huckabee Causality Controversy:

Argument #1:
1. Conan resurrected Chuck Norris' career.
2. Chuck Norris energized Mike Huckabee.
3. Therefore, Conan made Mike Huckabee win the Iowa Caucus (which is old news!).

Argument #2:
1. Conan made Stephen Colbert.
2. Colbert made Huckabee.
3. Therefore, Conan made Huckabee.

Both of those arguments follow a longer chain of cause and effect than Colbert's argument:

1. Colbert bumps Huckabee.
2. Huckabee wins.

In other words...

1. Colbert made Huckabee.
2. Therefore, Colbert made Huckabee (which is begging the question...if I remember rudimentary logic correctly).

Can't these two late night comedians just...get along? Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel have gotten along quite well during these strike days.

Speaking of feuds and not talking about the Clinton(s) / Obama contest, how about John McCain and his mom Roberta versus Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee (Team Chuckabee)? Chuck Norris says McCain's too old for the Presidency, but here are the facts:

John McCain was a POW in Vietnam for over 5 1/2 years. In the film Missing in Action, "Colonel James Braddock (Chuck Norris) is an American officer who spent seven years in a North Vietnamese POW camp" (Wikipedia), which probably translates as about 10 minutes of screen time, or possibly about 20 seconds of opening title narration. I don't remember the movie in detail, so forgive my lack of research. Anyhow...real POW versus fake POW. I think the real POW wins, and I'll gladly take the roundhouse kick/beard fist of consequence because I write the truth. Okay, okay, to be fair: Missing in Action 2: The Beginning devoted the entire 100 minute story to Norris' character's POW experience, and the entire Missing in Action trilogy is dedicated to Chuck's brother Weiland, who was killed in the Vietnam War. Still...real versus fake. Real wins.

As far as tag team partners go, that match up is pretty even. Roberta McCain is 95 years old, and Mike Huckabee lost a lot of weight. Furthermore, Roberta McCain is suspicious of Mormons, and so is most of Mike Huckabee's fan club. (Can Mitt Romney's money successfully battle against electoral religious bigotry?) I can go on and on...

On these merits alone - Conan, Colbert, Huckabee, Norris, Hillary, Obama, et cetera, Peter Cetera - this will hopefully be the BEST. ELECTION. (I wrote election, right?) EVER.

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